FAQ: The Poo List

The type of poo you have can indicate how your digestive system is functioning, often indicating your general health condition. It’s good to monitor your poo!

The Perfect Poo
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect poo. It’s rare but a thing of real beauty. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, windless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet paper to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in harmony with it.

Ghost Poo
You know you’ve pooed because there’s poo on the toilet paper but none in the toilet bowl.

Teflon Coated Poo (also called castor oil poo)
It comes out so slick and clean that you don’t even feel it. No trace of poo on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.

Gooey Poo
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe 12 times and you still don’t come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don’t stain it. The poo leaves permanent skid marks on the toilet.

Second Thoughts Poo
You’re all done wiping and about to stand up when you realise…. You’re not done yet.

Pop a vein in your forehead Poo
This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis. It doesn’t want to come out until you’re all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

“Weight Watchers” Poo
You poo so much you lose several kilograms….

Right Now Poo
You’d better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber trying to get to the toilet. Usually feels like it’s coming out before you can get your pants down.

King Kong or Dunny Choker Poo
This one is so big that you know it won’t go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. This is usually the kind of poo that happens at someone else’s house.

Cork Poo (also known as floaters)
It is still floating in the bowl. My god! How do I get rid of it?

Wet Cheeks Poo
The poo hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that you guessed it, splashes you….

Wish Poo
You sit there all cramped up, pass wind a few times, but no poo.

Cement Block Poo
You wish you’d gotten a spinal block before you pooed.

Snake Poo
This poo is fairly soft and about as thick as your thumb, and at least two feet long.

Beer and Meat Pie Poo
This happens the day after the night before. Normally poo doesn’t smell too bad, but this one is BAD; usually this happens at someone else’s house and there’s someone standing outside waiting to use the bathroom.

Mexican Food Poo (also called screamers)
You’ll know it’s all right to eat again when your bottom stops burning!

Frighteningly real isn’t it!

Adapted by Gabrielle Earnshaw